a long time in coming

A few years ago my mom encouraged me to list things I was thankful for every time I felt blue.  I always resisted the idea because, honestly, it hardly ever worked for me.  But yesterday, as I was asking God to help me out of this unknown funk, the idea of comparison came to mind: comparing the seemingly bad in my life to the reality of the good.

So what if...
my family drives me crazy.  I have a family that loves me.

I have fewer friends than I used to.  Now I can lead "the quiet life," getting to do what I want to instead of what I have to.

I am damaged from my past.  I have unique opportunities to reach people here and now.

I am really tall.  I am beautiful.

I do not like my hair.  It is fun and unique.

I do not like to look perfect all of the time.  I have my own personality.

I have low-self esteem.  I am learning to overcome it.

Life is about learning.  Learning how to know and love God more and to be like Jesus.  But sometimes learning is really painful and I want to give up.  I look forward to the day when the pain of this world will pass away.

By the way, what is normal?  I compare myself to others thinking, they are normal and I am not, but another person looking in will probably think my "normal people" are not normal either.  Normalcy is relative and we should not be bound by it.  People are not as perfect as they seem to me.  Each has their own issues.  I guess the key here is to appreciate the uniqueness of us all.  And no comparison!

my experience with a homeless shelter

I have really been wanting to live at a homeless shelter for at least a week.  I wanted to experience it (see the previous post) in order to know what my friends go through.  I went there the other day and found out what my friends have been saying is true- the shelter a lot of rules.  Below I listed a few that stuck out to me.  I am not going to write my thoughts about them but feel free to share yours.  Just know that I believe that all shelters make rules with the best intentions, but maybe some go to far?

1. It costs $45/week to live there, or you can work for them to pay it off.
2. There is an 8 pm curfew every night, including weekends, but you can get a "weekend pass" if you are going out of town.
3. You cannot have your cell phone, laptop or any electronic device on the property.  There is a phone in the lobby you can use (within certain time restrictions) and a public library with computers/internet nearby. 
4. If you bring a car on the property (I don't thing many people living there have a car) it has to have insurance and tags.

I am by no means an expert because as of now I have only set foot inside of a homeless shelter once and have never spent the night.  I do know that the thought of staying there brought up feelings of inferiority and being out of control.  Why do I love people who are poor?  Because they daily face the feelings of shame, inferiority, humiliation, social isolation, depression and hopelessness that I have dealt with my whole life.  Feel free to ask me my story sometime.  It is a good one.

I have some friends staying at the shelter right now.  I can only imagine what they have been through and continue to go through each day, while I have everything I need.  Will we help them?

As for me, I spoke with a case manager who said that I could not move in unless the friend I have been staying with kicks me out.  I decided that it would be lying to have her write a letter to that affect, so no homeless shelter for me, at least not until I truly am homeless (one day, maybe).  Praise God that I have so many friends here in BCS to support me and take me in.  Unfortunately, others are not in this situation.    

a theory i am working on: experiences

I am an experience hound who hunts new experiences- both big and small, easy and difficult, fun and tedious.  I think they will make me more like Jesus- which may be true- but I also think these experiences will fulfill me- which is a dangerous thought.  The truth is... a life is not fulfilled by the extent of its experiences.  Only Jesus fulfills.  A rich life has more to do with the way we react to the experiences we do have.

A person who never leaves the neighborhood they grew up in may have a fuller life than a world traveler.  This is easy for me to say considering I have left the neighborhood I grew up in and I have traveled the world and I still want more!  Could you imagine spending the rest of your life in your childhood-romping grounds?  What would you do there?  How would you make it a better place?  I think I would be bored and potentially give up... unless I found thankfulness!

Again, I am trying to believe that life is more about how we react to the experiences that God does give us.  Thankfulness.  Joy.  Contentment.  Grace.  Peace.  The Bible makes it clear that we are to be thankful in all circumstances.  "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)."   And again in Philippians 4:4-7:

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

 We are to try to rejoice in all things, even when "everything sucks" and being thankful is the last thing you want to be.  I want my life to be an exploration of new cultures (different US states, countries, classes, races, ect.) but I continue to realize that I can learn A TON from the people here in Bryan- if I make the effort to pay attention to my surroundings.  So maybe I will be patient, be fully where I am, and follow God's leading- not my own experience-hounding ways.

my best year yet

Today I am 26.  A little scary, considering that 25 has been the best year of my life.  Notice I did not say easiest.  Just best.  It was indeed very difficult.  I thought that it would be the year I would begin the most difficult thing I had done yet in my life- support raising to move as a long-term missionary overseas- and that that would quickly be trumped by the new hardest thing I had ever done- learn a very difficult foreign language.  But these two difficult things were replaced by something equally if not more difficult.   

I spent from November to February (granted support raising and learning a language would have taken longer than 4 months) seriously asking God if it would be best for me to go on this overseas church plant.  Without going into too many details, I entered a deep despair.  At first I couldn’t imagine not going- it was something I had built my life on, been planning for, become, over the previous 2 years.  Once I jumped the hurdle of surrender I was very frustrated at the thought that God wasn’t speaking to me, or more accurately, that I was not hearing him clearly (thoughts and emotions can really help in decision making, but they can also get in the way).  Once I realized that going on the church plant was not a calling on my life and that I was not passionate enough about it to make it sustainable, I made my decision not to go and immediately felt much better, except for the old relationships I left in my wake (part of the difficulty and the glory of this year was/is learning how to reconcile those).  

My decision freed me up from being who I had “become” to pursue a calling I had received 8 years prior but had suppressed ever since- a calling to live sacrificially to serve the poor.  I met a group of people doing just that and I am constantly learning from them, for which I will be thankful for the rest of my life.  Here is a list of some of the things I have begun or continued to do this past year with more vigor:  

• I have begun to follow my heart and calling and not succumb to what others expect of me.  
• I have begun to really figure out who I am and how God would have me act out the purpose of my life day to day.  
• This is the first year that I have begun to question the political and social ideologies I was raised with and decide for myself what I believe. 

I know these things will continue to develop for the rest of my life but this year has been a catapult forward.  Sometimes I face the lie that I am behind the learning curve- that most people my age started the journey I am on years ago.  But the truth is that each person develops at their own pace, better late than never.  Another difficulty I have is now feeling aimless.  I had my “10 year plan” and now I have… no plan.  I’m still working on this one.  

Maybe my “false start” in missions will give me the wisdom and motives I need to be successful in another go around (at this point I certainly hope not but maybe God will change my heart).  Maybe this will be the year I will finally make it out of Texas (or at least to Austin) or maybe I will find contentment here in Bryan.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that it was good for me to branch out from everyone and everything I learned over the past 8 years and to explore new ways of looking at the world.  I hope this year will be better than the last, but whatever happens I want to be content, thankful and not give up on living!  

a thought from Nigeria- US church

Our team leader encouraged us today to keep our eyes and ears open for needs among the Nigerians working with us that we may be able to meet monetarily.  These are people we would consider poor- they have school bills they struggle to pay, their family members have common diseases that we would not get in America but here, if left untreated, can be fatal.  I appreciate Andy's, our team leader, heart to give anonymous gifts to help specific problems without these people even direct asking.  God says to feed the hungry, cloth the naked, go visit the prisoners in jail.  And then I think about the church in America.

In my 25 years up until recently I can only think of a handful of times where a collection has been taking to help a need of a specific family.  And why is that?  I can think of two reasons.  The first is that we ignore the problems around us.  If we see a need we don't think it is our place to help out or maybe we are too concerned with ourselves to think about others.  But in the book of Acts we read that the early church gave to everyone as they had need so that they had everything in common.  I pray that the church will return to this.

Another reason I can think of why the church in America is not giving to meet specific needs of specific family in because we do not know any needy families.  We separate ourselves from the poor while Jesus spent time around tax collectors (rich but hated), prostitutes, lepers, children, pharisees, Romans, sinners.  Do you almost exclusively spend time around other Christians, and mainly Christians in your own church?

my ego is a fragile thing

Why do optimists hate on pessimists?  It seems like a blow to their optimism.  I like being a pessimist, depressive and an introvert.  Maybe this is self righteous and I should try to change but balance in everything right?  I read somewhere that optimists live longer, happier lives.  I want to become more optimist, but I am happy :) Come on people.  Love and accept others for who they are!

I bet that some of the things people make fun of and disapprove of me for are the same things they will appreciate and miss about me when I am gone.  Those things that are not normal...

All I NEED to know is that God loves how he has made me.

thoughts vs. feelings

People always get into arguments with me over this.  A common phrase nowadays that was not common a few years ago is, "I feel like..."  People usually follow this with the explanation of a thought and not a feeling.  I THINK people, especially me, have trouble identifying how they are feeling.  When I say, "I feel like they are stupid for doing something idiotic" it would actually benefit me more to realize that I am merely frustrated and need to move on.  But if I spend my time ranting about "how I feel," I may never stop to identify how I actually feel.

Instead may I suggest saying "I think... (insert thought here) or "I feel... (insert feeling here).  Or better yet, "I feel like (feeling!) because (thought!).  Yes, bring it all together.  A feeling is expressed by a feeling word (e.g. frustrated, lonely, confused, etc.)  The list goes on and on.  You may want to create a feelings list.  Try to come up with hundreds.  I bet that would help (I still need to do this).  And a thought is... Well, we know what a thought is.    

I should thank Listening for Heaven's Sake (Apples of Gold) for some of these thoughts.  And all of the people in the past few years who have forced me to tell them how I felt when I was only telling them what I thought.  I do think it is important to get this right.

control

I live like I am on my own, like the weight of all life's decisions rest on my shoulders.  I forget that I have a lover that will help guide me.  And I forget:


          Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon 
          you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  
          For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.  Matthew 11:28-30


I need to let go, let God guide me and see where I end up.  I cannot control everything or have everything be perfect.  But God has the best for me, even though that includes suffering.  

I think that where I live will make me happy.  I think that what I am doing will make me happy.  I think that my relationships (**a relationship**) will make me happy.  But these things will fall short.  And they are not the point of life.  I need to find my fulfillment in you.  I need to find my value in you.  All else is fleeting.

I leave you with these lyrics that define what I need to live in.

God is my shepherd
I won't be wanting
I won't be wanting
He makes me rest
In fields of green
With quite streams
Even though I walk
Through the valley
Of death and dying
I will not fear
'Cause you are with me
You are with me

Your shepherd staff
Comforts me
You are my feast
In the presence of enemy
Surely goodness
Follow me
Follow me
In the house of God, forever


"House of God, Forever" by Jon Foreman
Psalm 23 :) 

giving up.

I am done.  I am giving up.  I am through trying to stuff my feelings down people's throats.  I have been trying to control things but now I want to let go.  (See "2 things" post) I was so desperate for acceptance and attention that I thought I would die if I didn't get it.    People have been telling me that my relationships need to transform, that they need to change into something new and beautiful.  And I agreed.  But I was still holding on.  Now I am letting go.  Come what may, even come nothing at all, because I am moving on.

I have been carrying around what felt like a giant benign tumor on my back, weighing me down.  I have been feeling aimless, like I was wandering around with no vision.  Because truly, I lost who I had become and what I had been working towards for over 2 years.  Now I am doing surgery.  I am forgetting what is behind and pressing on ahead towards the goal (Philippians 3:13,14).  Even though I do not know where I am going I am excited to see where it is.  (Just wait till my birthday post on 8/12 when I recap this year!)   

My heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure (Jeremiah 17:9).  The Lord knows that my wise thoughts are futile (1 Corinthians 3:20 cf Psalm 94:11).  Yet I still rely on my head and my heart too much.  This must be what God is teaching me- to give him control.

___________________________________________________________________________________

One week later:
Now I understand more why people did not want to hang out with me.  I am still too angry to be a good friend.  I can be a friend with good insight but one who makes things tense.  And who would want to hang out with a person like that if they didn't have to?    

Simple God

• I want (in my mind at least) to spend time with you, but some things stop me.
• I do not know what to read, what to write, what to listen to.  I want you to meet me where I am at.  But there have been times that spending time with you was dry and boring.  I am scared of that happening again because that makes me mad at you.
• But if I go to you in desperation, knowing that I need you more than anything, wanting to pray for people- then you should meet with me, right?  There may be a lot of silent sitting...

That is how I want to feel everyday.  Desperate for you.  Spending time with you is the most important and best thing in life.  Yet there are still somethings that hold me back.
   

• The world pulls me away.  I would rather get other stuff done, rather go do something fun.  My flesh too- I do not want to sit and get quiet, to become vulnerable by placing my heart at your feet.
• These are good things to recognize as distractions and to resist.  But only through the Spirit's help.

I don't have the answers.  I desperately need God's help.    

2 things

I did not share these 2 things at our hg worship time last night after our party and I wish I had.  The second one is especially pertinent to our worship time last night.  I appreciate these people.

This last semester and winter break have been very difficult for me (see previous post).  So what do I do?  I try to control things.  I want people to know exactly how I feel and respond to it exactly how I want them too.  Basically I want to manipulate them.  I make myself a victim and spend a lot of time in self pity.  I sit for hours and try to understand- try to wrap my mind around how this could happen.  But God's understanding is above ours.  It is infinite.  But I forget this.  I try to play God.  But what does God want?

I lean not on my own understanding,
My life is in the hands of the maker of heaven

I give it all to you God, 
Trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me

I will climb this mountain 
With my hands wide open

There is nothing I hold on to


2010 United Pursuit 


Also, I have spent years in hg faking it to be seen by others.  Pray an awesome prayer aloud, take the right worship positions, all hoping to be seen by that guy across the room.  We pretend we have it all together to protect our insecurity, not to dampen the mood, to get people to like us.  But God has more for us than that.  He offers wholeness in him, unshakable worth and identity, all through vulnerability.  I thank God that this year I have started to share openly how I really feel.  I pray that it spreads through our hgs like fire.   



  

lost

How would you feel if you “lost” your 2 closest friends the instant a decision was made and now only interact with them about a tenth or so as much as before?  (Hey, at least you can still interact with them you say.  At least they are not dead or really lost.  That is a good thing. J)  And why don’t y’all interact as much as before?  On a good day, when you are playing “strong,” you tell yourself it is because your lives are on different courses now.  You are no longer in the same groups that may have been the only reason you ever saw each other (one reason why you are now disillusioned with homegroup-based churches).  They are busy.  But on days when you are thinking with your feelings you tell yourself, “I am incredibly insecure.”  If you were friends then they would want to hang out with you more than they are now.  How would that make you feel?  


This is no one's fault.  I AM learning that my value, of greater worth than gold, comes from God alone.  Man is nothing, compared to God.  




CLARIFICATION:  I do initiate with people, some people say too much.  But my self esteem starts to plummet if I am the only one to ever initiate.  So I initiate once and then wait for them to initiate the next time but if that takes too long I break down and initiate again for fear that I may never see them.