Today I am 26. A little scary, considering that 25 has been the best year of my life. Notice I did not say easiest. Just best. It was indeed very difficult. I thought that it would be the year I would begin the most difficult thing I had done yet in my life- support raising to move as a long-term missionary overseas- and that that would quickly be trumped by the new hardest thing I had ever done- learn a very difficult foreign language. But these two difficult things were replaced by something equally if not more difficult.
I spent from November to February (granted support raising and learning a language would have taken longer than 4 months) seriously asking God if it would be best for me to go on this overseas church plant. Without going into too many details, I entered a deep despair. At first I couldn’t imagine not going- it was something I had built my life on, been planning for, become, over the previous 2 years. Once I jumped the hurdle of surrender I was very frustrated at the thought that God wasn’t speaking to me, or more accurately, that I was not hearing him clearly (thoughts and emotions can really help in decision making, but they can also get in the way). Once I realized that going on the church plant was not a calling on my life and that I was not passionate enough about it to make it sustainable, I made my decision not to go and immediately felt much better, except for the old relationships I left in my wake (part of the difficulty and the glory of this year was/is learning how to reconcile those).
My decision freed me up from being who I had “become” to pursue a calling I had received 8 years prior but had suppressed ever since- a calling to live sacrificially to serve the poor. I met a group of people doing just that and I am constantly learning from them, for which I will be thankful for the rest of my life. Here is a list of some of the things I have begun or continued to do this past year with more vigor:
- I have begun to follow my heart and calling and not succumb to what others expect of me.
- I have begun to really figure out who I am and how God would have me act out the purpose of my life day to day.
- This is the first year that I have begun to question the political and social ideologies I was raised with and decide for myself what I believe.
I know these things will continue to develop for the rest of my life but this year has been a catapult forward. Sometimes I face the lie that I am behind the learning curve- that most people my age started the journey I am on years ago. But the truth is that each person develops at their own pace, better late than never. Another difficulty I have is now feeling aimless. I had my “10 year plan” and now I have… no plan. I’m still working on this one.
Maybe my “false start” in missions will give me the wisdom and motives I need to be successful in another go around (at this point I certainly hope not but maybe God will change my heart). Maybe this will be the year I will finally make it out of Texas (or at least to Austin) or maybe I will find contentment here in Bryan. I don’t know. What I do know is that it was good for me to branch out from everyone and everything I learned over the past 8 years and to explore new ways of looking at the world. I hope this year will be better than the last, but whatever happens I want to be content, thankful and not give up on living!
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