giving up.

I am done.  I am giving up.  I am through trying to stuff my feelings down people's throats.  I have been trying to control things but now I want to let go.  (See "2 things" post) I was so desperate for acceptance and attention that I thought I would die if I didn't get it.    People have been telling me that my relationships need to transform, that they need to change into something new and beautiful.  And I agreed.  But I was still holding on.  Now I am letting go.  Come what may, even come nothing at all, because I am moving on.

I have been carrying around what felt like a giant benign tumor on my back, weighing me down.  I have been feeling aimless, like I was wandering around with no vision.  Because truly, I lost who I had become and what I had been working towards for over 2 years.  Now I am doing surgery.  I am forgetting what is behind and pressing on ahead towards the goal (Philippians 3:13,14).  Even though I do not know where I am going I am excited to see where it is.  (Just wait till my birthday post on 8/12 when I recap this year!)   

My heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure (Jeremiah 17:9).  The Lord knows that my wise thoughts are futile (1 Corinthians 3:20 cf Psalm 94:11).  Yet I still rely on my head and my heart too much.  This must be what God is teaching me- to give him control.

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One week later:
Now I understand more why people did not want to hang out with me.  I am still too angry to be a good friend.  I can be a friend with good insight but one who makes things tense.  And who would want to hang out with a person like that if they didn't have to?