giving up.

I am done.  I am giving up.  I am through trying to stuff my feelings down people's throats.  I have been trying to control things but now I want to let go.  (See "2 things" post) I was so desperate for acceptance and attention that I thought I would die if I didn't get it.    People have been telling me that my relationships need to transform, that they need to change into something new and beautiful.  And I agreed.  But I was still holding on.  Now I am letting go.  Come what may, even come nothing at all, because I am moving on.

I have been carrying around what felt like a giant benign tumor on my back, weighing me down.  I have been feeling aimless, like I was wandering around with no vision.  Because truly, I lost who I had become and what I had been working towards for over 2 years.  Now I am doing surgery.  I am forgetting what is behind and pressing on ahead towards the goal (Philippians 3:13,14).  Even though I do not know where I am going I am excited to see where it is.  (Just wait till my birthday post on 8/12 when I recap this year!)   

My heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure (Jeremiah 17:9).  The Lord knows that my wise thoughts are futile (1 Corinthians 3:20 cf Psalm 94:11).  Yet I still rely on my head and my heart too much.  This must be what God is teaching me- to give him control.

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One week later:
Now I understand more why people did not want to hang out with me.  I am still too angry to be a good friend.  I can be a friend with good insight but one who makes things tense.  And who would want to hang out with a person like that if they didn't have to?    

Simple God

• I want (in my mind at least) to spend time with you, but some things stop me.
• I do not know what to read, what to write, what to listen to.  I want you to meet me where I am at.  But there have been times that spending time with you was dry and boring.  I am scared of that happening again because that makes me mad at you.
• But if I go to you in desperation, knowing that I need you more than anything, wanting to pray for people- then you should meet with me, right?  There may be a lot of silent sitting...

That is how I want to feel everyday.  Desperate for you.  Spending time with you is the most important and best thing in life.  Yet there are still somethings that hold me back.
   

• The world pulls me away.  I would rather get other stuff done, rather go do something fun.  My flesh too- I do not want to sit and get quiet, to become vulnerable by placing my heart at your feet.
• These are good things to recognize as distractions and to resist.  But only through the Spirit's help.

I don't have the answers.  I desperately need God's help.    

2 things

I did not share these 2 things at our hg worship time last night after our party and I wish I had.  The second one is especially pertinent to our worship time last night.  I appreciate these people.

This last semester and winter break have been very difficult for me (see previous post).  So what do I do?  I try to control things.  I want people to know exactly how I feel and respond to it exactly how I want them too.  Basically I want to manipulate them.  I make myself a victim and spend a lot of time in self pity.  I sit for hours and try to understand- try to wrap my mind around how this could happen.  But God's understanding is above ours.  It is infinite.  But I forget this.  I try to play God.  But what does God want?

I lean not on my own understanding,
My life is in the hands of the maker of heaven

I give it all to you God, 
Trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me

I will climb this mountain 
With my hands wide open

There is nothing I hold on to


2010 United Pursuit 


Also, I have spent years in hg faking it to be seen by others.  Pray an awesome prayer aloud, take the right worship positions, all hoping to be seen by that guy across the room.  We pretend we have it all together to protect our insecurity, not to dampen the mood, to get people to like us.  But God has more for us than that.  He offers wholeness in him, unshakable worth and identity, all through vulnerability.  I thank God that this year I have started to share openly how I really feel.  I pray that it spreads through our hgs like fire.   



  

lost

How would you feel if you “lost” your 2 closest friends the instant a decision was made and now only interact with them about a tenth or so as much as before?  (Hey, at least you can still interact with them you say.  At least they are not dead or really lost.  That is a good thing. J)  And why don’t y’all interact as much as before?  On a good day, when you are playing “strong,” you tell yourself it is because your lives are on different courses now.  You are no longer in the same groups that may have been the only reason you ever saw each other (one reason why you are now disillusioned with homegroup-based churches).  They are busy.  But on days when you are thinking with your feelings you tell yourself, “I am incredibly insecure.”  If you were friends then they would want to hang out with you more than they are now.  How would that make you feel?  


This is no one's fault.  I AM learning that my value, of greater worth than gold, comes from God alone.  Man is nothing, compared to God.  




CLARIFICATION:  I do initiate with people, some people say too much.  But my self esteem starts to plummet if I am the only one to ever initiate.  So I initiate once and then wait for them to initiate the next time but if that takes too long I break down and initiate again for fear that I may never see them.