my best year yet

Today I am 26.  A little scary, considering that 25 has been the best year of my life.  Notice I did not say easiest.  Just best.  It was indeed very difficult.  I thought that it would be the year I would begin the most difficult thing I had done yet in my life- support raising to move as a long-term missionary overseas- and that that would quickly be trumped by the new hardest thing I had ever done- learn a very difficult foreign language.  But these two difficult things were replaced by something equally if not more difficult.   

I spent from November to February (granted support raising and learning a language would have taken longer than 4 months) seriously asking God if it would be best for me to go on this overseas church plant.  Without going into too many details, I entered a deep despair.  At first I couldn’t imagine not going- it was something I had built my life on, been planning for, become, over the previous 2 years.  Once I jumped the hurdle of surrender I was very frustrated at the thought that God wasn’t speaking to me, or more accurately, that I was not hearing him clearly (thoughts and emotions can really help in decision making, but they can also get in the way).  Once I realized that going on the church plant was not a calling on my life and that I was not passionate enough about it to make it sustainable, I made my decision not to go and immediately felt much better, except for the old relationships I left in my wake (part of the difficulty and the glory of this year was/is learning how to reconcile those).  

My decision freed me up from being who I had “become” to pursue a calling I had received 8 years prior but had suppressed ever since- a calling to live sacrificially to serve the poor.  I met a group of people doing just that and I am constantly learning from them, for which I will be thankful for the rest of my life.  Here is a list of some of the things I have begun or continued to do this past year with more vigor:  

• I have begun to follow my heart and calling and not succumb to what others expect of me.  
• I have begun to really figure out who I am and how God would have me act out the purpose of my life day to day.  
• This is the first year that I have begun to question the political and social ideologies I was raised with and decide for myself what I believe. 

I know these things will continue to develop for the rest of my life but this year has been a catapult forward.  Sometimes I face the lie that I am behind the learning curve- that most people my age started the journey I am on years ago.  But the truth is that each person develops at their own pace, better late than never.  Another difficulty I have is now feeling aimless.  I had my “10 year plan” and now I have… no plan.  I’m still working on this one.  

Maybe my “false start” in missions will give me the wisdom and motives I need to be successful in another go around (at this point I certainly hope not but maybe God will change my heart).  Maybe this will be the year I will finally make it out of Texas (or at least to Austin) or maybe I will find contentment here in Bryan.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that it was good for me to branch out from everyone and everything I learned over the past 8 years and to explore new ways of looking at the world.  I hope this year will be better than the last, but whatever happens I want to be content, thankful and not give up on living!  

a thought from Nigeria- US church

Our team leader encouraged us today to keep our eyes and ears open for needs among the Nigerians working with us that we may be able to meet monetarily.  These are people we would consider poor- they have school bills they struggle to pay, their family members have common diseases that we would not get in America but here, if left untreated, can be fatal.  I appreciate Andy's, our team leader, heart to give anonymous gifts to help specific problems without these people even direct asking.  God says to feed the hungry, cloth the naked, go visit the prisoners in jail.  And then I think about the church in America.

In my 25 years up until recently I can only think of a handful of times where a collection has been taking to help a need of a specific family.  And why is that?  I can think of two reasons.  The first is that we ignore the problems around us.  If we see a need we don't think it is our place to help out or maybe we are too concerned with ourselves to think about others.  But in the book of Acts we read that the early church gave to everyone as they had need so that they had everything in common.  I pray that the church will return to this.

Another reason I can think of why the church in America is not giving to meet specific needs of specific family in because we do not know any needy families.  We separate ourselves from the poor while Jesus spent time around tax collectors (rich but hated), prostitutes, lepers, children, pharisees, Romans, sinners.  Do you almost exclusively spend time around other Christians, and mainly Christians in your own church?

my ego is a fragile thing

Why do optimists hate on pessimists?  It seems like a blow to their optimism.  I like being a pessimist, depressive and an introvert.  Maybe this is self righteous and I should try to change but balance in everything right?  I read somewhere that optimists live longer, happier lives.  I want to become more optimist, but I am happy :) Come on people.  Love and accept others for who they are!

I bet that some of the things people make fun of and disapprove of me for are the same things they will appreciate and miss about me when I am gone.  Those things that are not normal...

All I NEED to know is that God loves how he has made me.

thoughts vs. feelings

People always get into arguments with me over this.  A common phrase nowadays that was not common a few years ago is, "I feel like..."  People usually follow this with the explanation of a thought and not a feeling.  I THINK people, especially me, have trouble identifying how they are feeling.  When I say, "I feel like they are stupid for doing something idiotic" it would actually benefit me more to realize that I am merely frustrated and need to move on.  But if I spend my time ranting about "how I feel," I may never stop to identify how I actually feel.

Instead may I suggest saying "I think... (insert thought here) or "I feel... (insert feeling here).  Or better yet, "I feel like (feeling!) because (thought!).  Yes, bring it all together.  A feeling is expressed by a feeling word (e.g. frustrated, lonely, confused, etc.)  The list goes on and on.  You may want to create a feelings list.  Try to come up with hundreds.  I bet that would help (I still need to do this).  And a thought is... Well, we know what a thought is.    

I should thank Listening for Heaven's Sake (Apples of Gold) for some of these thoughts.  And all of the people in the past few years who have forced me to tell them how I felt when I was only telling them what I thought.  I do think it is important to get this right.

control

I live like I am on my own, like the weight of all life's decisions rest on my shoulders.  I forget that I have a lover that will help guide me.  And I forget:


          Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon 
          you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  
          For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.  Matthew 11:28-30


I need to let go, let God guide me and see where I end up.  I cannot control everything or have everything be perfect.  But God has the best for me, even though that includes suffering.  

I think that where I live will make me happy.  I think that what I am doing will make me happy.  I think that my relationships (**a relationship**) will make me happy.  But these things will fall short.  And they are not the point of life.  I need to find my fulfillment in you.  I need to find my value in you.  All else is fleeting.

I leave you with these lyrics that define what I need to live in.

God is my shepherd
I won't be wanting
I won't be wanting
He makes me rest
In fields of green
With quite streams
Even though I walk
Through the valley
Of death and dying
I will not fear
'Cause you are with me
You are with me

Your shepherd staff
Comforts me
You are my feast
In the presence of enemy
Surely goodness
Follow me
Follow me
In the house of God, forever


"House of God, Forever" by Jon Foreman
Psalm 23 :) 

giving up.

I am done.  I am giving up.  I am through trying to stuff my feelings down people's throats.  I have been trying to control things but now I want to let go.  (See "2 things" post) I was so desperate for acceptance and attention that I thought I would die if I didn't get it.    People have been telling me that my relationships need to transform, that they need to change into something new and beautiful.  And I agreed.  But I was still holding on.  Now I am letting go.  Come what may, even come nothing at all, because I am moving on.

I have been carrying around what felt like a giant benign tumor on my back, weighing me down.  I have been feeling aimless, like I was wandering around with no vision.  Because truly, I lost who I had become and what I had been working towards for over 2 years.  Now I am doing surgery.  I am forgetting what is behind and pressing on ahead towards the goal (Philippians 3:13,14).  Even though I do not know where I am going I am excited to see where it is.  (Just wait till my birthday post on 8/12 when I recap this year!)   

My heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure (Jeremiah 17:9).  The Lord knows that my wise thoughts are futile (1 Corinthians 3:20 cf Psalm 94:11).  Yet I still rely on my head and my heart too much.  This must be what God is teaching me- to give him control.

___________________________________________________________________________________

One week later:
Now I understand more why people did not want to hang out with me.  I am still too angry to be a good friend.  I can be a friend with good insight but one who makes things tense.  And who would want to hang out with a person like that if they didn't have to?    

Simple God

• I want (in my mind at least) to spend time with you, but some things stop me.
• I do not know what to read, what to write, what to listen to.  I want you to meet me where I am at.  But there have been times that spending time with you was dry and boring.  I am scared of that happening again because that makes me mad at you.
• But if I go to you in desperation, knowing that I need you more than anything, wanting to pray for people- then you should meet with me, right?  There may be a lot of silent sitting...

That is how I want to feel everyday.  Desperate for you.  Spending time with you is the most important and best thing in life.  Yet there are still somethings that hold me back.
   

• The world pulls me away.  I would rather get other stuff done, rather go do something fun.  My flesh too- I do not want to sit and get quiet, to become vulnerable by placing my heart at your feet.
• These are good things to recognize as distractions and to resist.  But only through the Spirit's help.

I don't have the answers.  I desperately need God's help.