Why do optimists hate on pessimists? It seems like a blow to their optimism. I like being a pessimist, depressive and an introvert. Maybe this is self righteous and I should try to change but balance in everything right? I read somewhere that optimists live longer, happier lives. I want to become more optimist, but I am happy :) Come on people. Love and accept others for who they are!
I bet that some of the things people make fun of and disapprove of me for are the same things they will appreciate and miss about me when I am gone. Those things that are not normal...
All I NEED to know is that God loves how he has made me.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
thoughts vs. feelings
People always get into arguments with me over this. A common phrase nowadays that was not common a few years ago is, "I feel like..." People usually follow this with the explanation of a thought and not a feeling. I THINK people, especially me, have trouble identifying how they are feeling. When I say, "I feel like they are stupid for doing something idiotic" it would actually benefit me more to realize that I am merely frustrated and need to move on. But if I spend my time ranting about "how I feel," I may never stop to identify how I actually feel.
Instead may I suggest saying "I think... (insert thought here) or "I feel... (insert feeling here). Or better yet, "I feel like (feeling!) because (thought!). Yes, bring it all together. A feeling is expressed by a feeling word (e.g. frustrated, lonely, confused, etc.) The list goes on and on. You may want to create a feelings list. Try to come up with hundreds. I bet that would help (I still need to do this). And a thought is... Well, we know what a thought is.
I should thank Listening for Heaven's Sake (Apples of Gold) for some of these thoughts. And all of the people in the past few years who have forced me to tell them how I felt when I was only telling them what I thought. I do think it is important to get this right.
Instead may I suggest saying "I think... (insert thought here) or "I feel... (insert feeling here). Or better yet, "I feel like (feeling!) because (thought!). Yes, bring it all together. A feeling is expressed by a feeling word (e.g. frustrated, lonely, confused, etc.) The list goes on and on. You may want to create a feelings list. Try to come up with hundreds. I bet that would help (I still need to do this). And a thought is... Well, we know what a thought is.
I should thank Listening for Heaven's Sake (Apples of Gold) for some of these thoughts. And all of the people in the past few years who have forced me to tell them how I felt when I was only telling them what I thought. I do think it is important to get this right.
Friday, June 8, 2012
control
I live like I am on my own, like the weight of all life's decisions rest on my shoulders. I forget that I have a lover that will help guide me. And I forget:
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon
you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
I need to let go, let God guide me and see where I end up. I cannot control everything or have everything be perfect. But God has the best for me, even though that includes suffering.
I think that where I live will make me happy. I think that what I am doing will make me happy. I think that my relationships (**a relationship**) will make me happy. But these things will fall short. And they are not the point of life. I need to find my fulfillment in you. I need to find my value in you. All else is fleeting.
I leave you with these lyrics that define what I need to live in.
God is my shepherd
I won't be wanting
I won't be wanting
He makes me rest
In fields of green
With quite streams
Even though I walk
Through the valley
Of death and dying
I will not fear
'Cause you are with me
You are with me
Your shepherd staff
Comforts me
You are my feast
In the presence of enemy
Surely goodness
Follow me
Follow me
In the house of God, forever
"House of God, Forever" by Jon Foreman
Psalm 23 :)
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon
you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
I need to let go, let God guide me and see where I end up. I cannot control everything or have everything be perfect. But God has the best for me, even though that includes suffering.
I think that where I live will make me happy. I think that what I am doing will make me happy. I think that my relationships (**a relationship**) will make me happy. But these things will fall short. And they are not the point of life. I need to find my fulfillment in you. I need to find my value in you. All else is fleeting.
I leave you with these lyrics that define what I need to live in.
God is my shepherd
I won't be wanting
I won't be wanting
He makes me rest
In fields of green
With quite streams
Even though I walk
Through the valley
Of death and dying
I will not fear
'Cause you are with me
You are with me
Your shepherd staff
Comforts me
You are my feast
In the presence of enemy
Surely goodness
Follow me
Follow me
In the house of God, forever
"House of God, Forever" by Jon Foreman
Psalm 23 :)
Friday, May 25, 2012
giving up.
I am done. I am giving up. I am through trying to stuff my feelings down people's throats. I have been trying to control things but now I want to let go. (See "2 things" post) I was so desperate for acceptance and attention that I thought I would die if I didn't get it. People have been telling me that my relationships need to transform, that they need to change into something new and beautiful. And I agreed. But I was still holding on. Now I am letting go. Come what may, even come nothing at all, because I am moving on.
I have been carrying around what felt like a giant benign tumor on my back, weighing me down. I have been feeling aimless, like I was wandering around with no vision. Because truly, I lost who I had become and what I had been working towards for over 2 years. Now I am doing surgery. I am forgetting what is behind and pressing on ahead towards the goal (Philippians 3:13,14). Even though I do not know where I am going I am excited to see where it is. (Just wait till my birthday post on 8/12 when I recap this year!)
My heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure (Jeremiah 17:9). The Lord knows that my wise thoughts are futile (1 Corinthians 3:20 cf Psalm 94:11). Yet I still rely on my head and my heart too much. This must be what God is teaching me- to give him control.
___________________________________________________________________________________
One week later:
Now I understand more why people did not want to hang out with me. I am still too angry to be a good friend. I can be a friend with good insight but one who makes things tense. And who would want to hang out with a person like that if they didn't have to?
I have been carrying around what felt like a giant benign tumor on my back, weighing me down. I have been feeling aimless, like I was wandering around with no vision. Because truly, I lost who I had become and what I had been working towards for over 2 years. Now I am doing surgery. I am forgetting what is behind and pressing on ahead towards the goal (Philippians 3:13,14). Even though I do not know where I am going I am excited to see where it is. (Just wait till my birthday post on 8/12 when I recap this year!)
My heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure (Jeremiah 17:9). The Lord knows that my wise thoughts are futile (1 Corinthians 3:20 cf Psalm 94:11). Yet I still rely on my head and my heart too much. This must be what God is teaching me- to give him control.
___________________________________________________________________________________
One week later:
Now I understand more why people did not want to hang out with me. I am still too angry to be a good friend. I can be a friend with good insight but one who makes things tense. And who would want to hang out with a person like that if they didn't have to?
Simple God
- I want (in my mind at least) to spend time with you, but some things stop me.
- I do not know what to read, what to write, what to listen to. I want you to meet me where I am at. But there have been times that spending time with you was dry and boring. I am scared of that happening again because that makes me mad at you.
- But if I go to you in desperation, knowing that I need you more than anything, wanting to pray for people- then you should meet with me, right? There may be a lot of silent sitting...
That is how I want to feel everyday. Desperate for you. Spending time with you is the most important and best thing in life. Yet there are still somethings that hold me back.
- The world pulls me away. I would rather get other stuff done, rather go do something fun. My flesh too- I do not want to sit and get quiet, to become vulnerable by placing my heart at your feet.
- These are good things to recognize as distractions and to resist. But only through the Spirit's help.
I don't have the answers. I desperately need God's help.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
2 things
I did not share these 2 things at our hg worship time last night after our party and I wish I had. The second one is especially pertinent to our worship time last night. I appreciate these people.
This last semester and winter break have been very difficult for me (see previous post). So what do I do? I try to control things. I want people to know exactly how I feel and respond to it exactly how I want them too. Basically I want to manipulate them. I make myself a victim and spend a lot of time in self pity. I sit for hours and try to understand- try to wrap my mind around how this could happen. But God's understanding is above ours. It is infinite. But I forget this. I try to play God. But what does God want?
I lean not on my own understanding,
My life is in the hands of the maker of heaven
I give it all to you God,
Trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me
I will climb this mountain
With my hands wide open
There is nothing I hold on to
2010 United Pursuit
Also, I have spent years in hg faking it to be seen by others. Pray an awesome prayer aloud, take the right worship positions, all hoping to be seen by that guy across the room. We pretend we have it all together to protect our insecurity, not to dampen the mood, to get people to like us. But God has more for us than that. He offers wholeness in him, unshakable worth and identity, all through vulnerability. I thank God that this year I have started to share openly how I really feel. I pray that it spreads through our hgs like fire.
This last semester and winter break have been very difficult for me (see previous post). So what do I do? I try to control things. I want people to know exactly how I feel and respond to it exactly how I want them too. Basically I want to manipulate them. I make myself a victim and spend a lot of time in self pity. I sit for hours and try to understand- try to wrap my mind around how this could happen. But God's understanding is above ours. It is infinite. But I forget this. I try to play God. But what does God want?
I lean not on my own understanding,
My life is in the hands of the maker of heaven
I give it all to you God,
Trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me
I will climb this mountain
With my hands wide open
There is nothing I hold on to
2010 United Pursuit
Also, I have spent years in hg faking it to be seen by others. Pray an awesome prayer aloud, take the right worship positions, all hoping to be seen by that guy across the room. We pretend we have it all together to protect our insecurity, not to dampen the mood, to get people to like us. But God has more for us than that. He offers wholeness in him, unshakable worth and identity, all through vulnerability. I thank God that this year I have started to share openly how I really feel. I pray that it spreads through our hgs like fire.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
lost
How
would you feel if you “lost” your 2 closest friends the instant a decision was
made and now only interact with them about a tenth or so as much as
before? (Hey, at least you can still
interact with them you say. At least they are not
dead or really lost. That is a good
thing. J) And why
don’t y’all interact as much as before?
On a good day, when you are playing “strong,” you tell yourself it is because
your lives are on different courses now.
You are no longer in the same groups that may have been the only reason
you ever saw each other (one reason why you are now disillusioned with
homegroup-based churches). They are
busy. But on days when you are thinking
with your feelings you tell yourself, “I am incredibly insecure.” If you were
friends then they would want to hang out with you more than they are now. How would that make you feel?
This is no one's fault. I AM learning that my value, of greater worth than gold, comes from God alone. Man is nothing, compared to God.
CLARIFICATION: I do initiate with people, some people say too much. But my self esteem starts to plummet if I am the only one to ever initiate. So I initiate once and then wait for them to initiate the next time but if that takes too long I break down and initiate again for fear that I may never see them.
This is no one's fault. I AM learning that my value, of greater worth than gold, comes from God alone. Man is nothing, compared to God.
CLARIFICATION: I do initiate with people, some people say too much. But my self esteem starts to plummet if I am the only one to ever initiate. So I initiate once and then wait for them to initiate the next time but if that takes too long I break down and initiate again for fear that I may never see them.
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